Ever felt like you’ve got two personalities? The one you show in public and the one you keep to yourself? That’s kind of how I feel. I feel like I live a double life along with two faces to match. I think I’ll start with explaining the latter.
I have to sides to my one face. The first side craves friendship, hates losing friends, is one of the softest people on the planet, can’t take the fact that he might have ruined a friendship (hence why he always says sorry, if you pretend to be offended) and wants to be universally accepted and loved. He usually comes outside.
The other side, however, tends to be a little more ‘cool’ in his approach. He shuns everyone, flinches at personal contact, doesn’t feel the need to be loved, loves being a recluse and prefers universal hate instead of acceptance. He usually stays at home.
These two sides have come round over time and I’m sure quite a few people can relate to what I’m talking about when I talk about my father. I, as a child, was always eager to do whatever he asked to the best of my ability to make him proud but, as I now know, my best wasn’t good enough. Where he had failed in life, he wanted me to copy and succeed and when I didn’t live up to his expectations I was greeted with cold indifference. As you all know most little boys’ dreams are to make their fathers proud and live up to their standard or above and me, being the typical boy, fell in step with this tradition.
As I look back over the close-to-decade time I spent trying to appease my dad I realised that I never once got a ‘well done’ after completing a 20 mile bike ride or a hug when I did exactly as he asked. He always wanted more and chastised me unless I did. Due to recent developments, however, I have recently begun questioning myself as to whether he actually wanted a son. I won’t go into details but sometimes I wonder whether Rubie was the child he wanted all along.
This brings me back to my two faces. When I am wearing the first, I loathe the second. When I am wearing the second, I wish the first didn’t exist. My second face makes me feel secure. It protects me from being hurt and not living up to other people’s expectations. I block off affection, speech, human contact and other things to ensure my safety. This usually works for a while but it becomes cumbersome and hard to maintain…so my usual ‘public’ face makes a move. While this face is the easiest to maintain, I constantly worry for public opinion and personal appearance. In short, I have really low self-esteem…and it eats at me. It’s when it gets to that stage when my ‘recluse’ face appears. Most of the time it feels like my mind’s in a constant war…which makes it really hard to concentrate on anything for more than 5 minutes. Sometimes I wonder if I have mental instability or if I’m going insane. Sometimes I wish I was. At least I’d be taken away to rest a while. It probably doesn’t help that I listen to Eminem 24/7. It keeps all my anger inside and I, for one, love it. It makes me feel like a time bomb, just waiting for someone to tick me off…but it never happens.
There we go! Unnecessary ramble over!
Have a good night and sleep well!